By now you have surely heard of and are tired of hearing about Swine Flu. Oh yes, the latest absurdly named, mildly uncomfortable disease that is going to bring humankind to its knees has been proven… no big deal. Of course! But just because Swine Flu has turned out to be a less than debilitating flop doesn’t mean a new malady won’t pop up very soon bringing with it a new wave of panic and overexposure. I say, “Why wait!” In fact, I, Hal Clarke have this week discovered the latest bane of human existence: Pignolia Flu!

It was last Monday when I first experienced the mysterious and offensive palette sensation. As if by magic, suddenly everything I ate had a sour, bitter taste. Whether it be candy, yogurt, bagels, or chicken teriyaki nothing was safe from the horrible metallic flavor that materialized every time I chewed. As if the taste buds on the back of my tongue were secreting poisons with every swallow, I was perplexed. Thus, I pondered: Was I experiencing some sort of vitamin deficiency? Was I anemic? Did I have (gasp!)… swine flu!?

Then, as I always do, I went to the doctor’s office to find out. Oh, wait, no I didn’t. I went to The Internet instead, where information is free, a quack doesn’t try to prescribe you some overpriced “medicine” you don’t need, and you actually get answers instead of overpriced drivel. But I digress…

Within minutes I discovered the cause of my discomfort: Pignolia Flu! Well, The Internet didn’t confirm the flu part; that I came up with on my own. But what The Internet did confirm is that I wasn’t alone in my bitter pallet discomfort. A few searches for “bitter taste in mouth when eating” led me to discern that I was one among hundreds, surely more, who was suffering from the terrible side effects of… get ready for it… eating shitty pine nuts.

That’s right: a bag of Trader Joe’s Raw Pignolias has soured my pallet and my attitude.

The reason for these bad pine nuts is almost as strange as the consequence of eating them. Supposedly, if you acquire your pignolias from Europe you’re in the clear. But if the pine nuts come from Asia, as is the case with the Trader Joe’s variety, you just might find yourself scowling with displeasure tasting metal with everything you eat for up to several weeks (I’m currently on Day 8, though my taste buds are improving). No explanation on why the pine nuts of Asia are so rancid, but believe you me, you don’t want to mess with them.

So let’s get the word out, people: Pignolia Flu is coming… to get… you! And when it comes to the Pignolia Flu… The World is Not Enough!