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by Maria Walsh

If it’s human nature to struggle for perfection, to always put one’s best foot forward, and to never deliberately make a public joke of oneself, then why is movie history littered with shitty fake accents? Does ego eclipse common sense so much that an actor or actress will take on a role that everyone can see they are clearly not qualified for, which will only result in a tidal wave of horrible reviews, and an indelible shit stain on their career? Yes, as the following clearly shows. (And yes, dud accents in comedies are much easier to forgive than dud accents in dramas, but they’re still fair game, goddamnit!)

Keanu Reeves Bram Stoker’s Dracula
You would think that at this point in his movie career, casting directors would know that the only accent Keanu Reeves can do is "Keanu Reeves." Perhaps Coppola’s take on this classic story was meant to be more comedic than everyone realized.

Winona Ryder Bram Stoker’s Dracula
With Keanu's accent providing the comic relief in "Bram Stoker's Dracula," where does Winona's fit in? I dunno. I guess Winona Ryder is the female equivalent of Keanu Reeves, and that brings a twisted sort of balance to the film. The yang to Keanu's yin on the wheel of shitty accents, or something.

Police Psychiatrist Chick The Departed
This lady is a veritable pu-pu platter of accents. One minute she has a generic American accent that would make any news anchor proud, next she’s Australian, next she’s Southie to the bone. Police psychiatrists are complicated ladies, and Dr. Kaleidoscope-of-Accents is no exception. Does she slip into an Irish brogue in the deleted scenes? A Canadian accent, maybe? Mexican? Scandinavian?

This brings up an interesting point in a sub genre of put-on accents. The New England accent should be easy to do, you just drop your r’s right? And draw some of your vowels out, and say the word “wicked” a lot. If you want to get really hardcore you might employ the disturbing vocal nuance known as “r-coloring.” This is the tendency to drop your r’s, yes, but ADD an r to words ending in a, the result being a name like “Carla” being pronounced as “Cahler.” Yet it’s an accent that even two time Academy Award winners manage to botch completely. Unfortunately, most New England accents, even authentic ones, come off on screen as coarse, uneducated, and in some cases just plain retarded. This may be what causes so many young self-hating New Englanders to force themselves to pronounce their r’s- it usually kicks in around the age of 12. Sad, but true. There is an insane overuse of this accent too- especially in The Departed. Not EVERYONE in Boston has an accent. For Christ sakes!

Kevin Costner Robin Hood- Prince of Thieves
I don’t actually remember his accent in this movie, indeed, I don’t even remember much of the movie itself, but I’ve heard enough about this accent, and its nausea inducing properties, to chuck it in. At once utterly forgettable, and stomach churning-it says something special about Mr Costner and his accenting prowess.

Brad Pitt Seven Years in Tibet
Haven’t seen this baby either, but Brad Pitt + Austrian accent does not sound promising, and from what I’ve heard the results are blah, at best. I guess this is more of an entry on PRINCIPLE. Don’t filmmakers realize how disorienting it is to have a ginormous star in a “serious” movie, speaking in an accent that is clearly not his own? “Achtung, Herr Lama! I sink zee Cherman army ist approaching!” Am I wrong? I can’t see myself taking the 139 minutes that this movie runs for to find out.

Don Cheadle Oceans 11, 12, 13 (14?)
‘Ow ‘orrible is THIS accent! It’s enough to make me wanna top meself! Bloody ‘ell.
Yes. That is the EXACT written equivalent of Don Cheadle’s vocal stylings as the cockney explosives expert, “Banger.” Banger. Get it? Banger.

Shannon Elizabeth American Pie + American Pie Two- The Crazy College Years
Shannon E. incapable of pulling off a flawless Czechoslovakian accent? Get OUT! It's never made explicitly clear whether the movie is supposed to be set before 1993, so we don't know whether her accent is supposed to favor the Czech side or the Slovak side. Whichever side is the cuter of the two, I guess. It seems the makers of American Pie assumed that viewers, apart from the Czech (or Slovak) ones, wouldn't know a Czech (or Slovak) if they were impregnated by one. Director to Shannon Elizabeth- "Do your best vaguely foreign accent, then filter that accent through the vocal cords of an adorable seven year old girl.”

Dolly Read Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
As Kelly McNamara, lead singer of the “The Carrie Nations,” she doesn’t do a bad job, actually, as an English chick playing an American rock star wannabe, turned super swinging bimbette, turned kind nurturing soul. There are just a few bits in the middle of the movie that would make one realize that she is actually a dirty foreigner, stealing some poor starving American actress/waitress’s chance at fame and riches and glory. Dolly took her chance and ran with it, appearing several times on The Match Game, once on Charlie’s Angels, and twice on Fantasy Island, as “Barmaid”.

To all the big budget filmmakers that frequent “Undependent Media,” you can help stop this madness! There are enough hot AND talented actors and actresses in each country to bring smoldering sexiness AND authentic accents to all your future cinematic endeavors. The extra casting time is worth it, and film snobs will love you for it. They’re the people you need to please, since they’re the ones who will complain in all caps on the imdb message boards about your crappy casting decisions and the crappy actors’ crappy accents. Huge opening weekends are great, for sure, but word will get around quick that you suck, your movie sucks, and you couldn’t cast a decent actor if your ego depended on it, and soon the opening weekend money is all pissed away on expensive booze, cheap women, and cars that really only make everyone around you think you have a toddler sized penis. Think about your LEGACY, filmmakers. And actors, you will never live down a shitty accent. It’s healthy to test yourself with challenging roles, yes, but you have to know when you’re making a complete ass of yourself.

Having said that, there are a couple more I’d actually like to hear:

Shitty Accents of my Dreams

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger All is Quiet on the Cornfields Tonight
Arnold tackles the role of solemn Nebraskan farming supplies salesman Ted Olson with the quiet confidence of a man who truly believes he is playing the role he was born to play. A former All State high school football hero, he is haunted by visions of what could have been, before he broke his leg in the big game against Lincoln Central. Now, in his twilight years, he is left to ponder what it all means, while he fights to save his fledgling business against the big, bad chain of farming supply stores, “Tractors N’ Then Some.” Some declare his wholesome Mid Western accent “a crime against all that is good and true,” while others give Arnie a break, it’s his first foray into the funny accent arena, after all.

Lindsay Lohan My Friend Katya
This role is presented to Ms Lohan as the ‘last chance to prove herself’ in her chosen field. Here she plays Katya Petrova, a young immigrant from Leningrad. Does this movie take place in the past, or some cold distant future, where Communism is all the rage again? I don’t know. The movie is conveniently vague like that. As a recent arrival in the capitalist paradise that is the United States of America, she is fascinated, yet repulsed, by her new home, and her fat, greedy, consumerist neighbors, and her new neighbors are equally fascinated, yet repulsed, by her drab, sack-like dresses. By the end of the movie, she has learned an important lesson about tolerance, and taught her new friends a little something about appreciating the fact they live in a country where they have the opportunity to be fat, greedy, consumerist pigs. And, while the opportunities are there, they shouldn’t necessarily be taken advantage of. Not quite so voraciously, at least. Common reactions to Ms. Lohan’s accent:
“Wait, is this chick supposed to be from Cuba, or Russia?”
“I thought French people were renowned for their superior dress sense.”

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Wanna herald your own shitty accent favorites? Or maybe you'd like to tell us to stuff it. Shoot us an Email: halclarke@undependentmedia.com

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