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by Hal Clarke

A famous expression states, “with age comes wisdom.” It might follow then that with today’s couples waiting longer than ever to declare their nuptials weddings would be minimal, modest affairs rather than dramatic, over-the-top extravaganzas. This simple leap of logic, however, couldn’t be farther from the truth.

When it comes to marriage, and in particular, putting on a wedding, no matter the age it seems wisdom is thrown out the window and extravagance is the order of the day. Forget a humble afternoon at the local church or a visit to town hall followed by a reception in your Mom’s backyard; today’s weddings seem to require $25,000 bucks, three limos, an 8 person bridal party, enough food to feed a small army or two, a liquor supply that could make Dudley Moore blush, and enough flowers to create a personal boutique. And that’s not even the half of it! Before the wedding even rolls around, wedding precursors, also known as the bachelor party/bridal shower/engagement party/bachelorette party/rehearsal dinner or some combination thereof, must themselves be lavish affairs. Mama mia!

I wonder: when did the bachelor party become a multi-day celebration honoring the poor lout one last time before he makes his way to the altar rather than a “let’s get drunk and see some boobies” send-off? How that tried and true mantra got perverted into $1,000 dollar vacation extravaganzas I have no idea but it certainly seems to have become the order of the day for many who can and can’t afford such luxury. And not to seem sexist (I swear I’m not!) but I thought women were the ones who needed constant attention and pampering leading up to their big day and men were supposed to be rugged, cold, and just in search of liquor, boobies, and a cheap thrill (emphasis on cheap)? Instead, modern protocol seems to dictate women getting both a bridal shower and a night of debauchery with their girlfriends. Meanwhile, men being the constant competitors they are, turn to extravagant week-long vacations at exclusive resorts with an accompanying visit to a “gentlemen’s club.” We’re talking major bachelor events where the steak dinner costs could feed a family of four for a week, the champagne rings in at $100 bucks a bottle and the topless dancers don’t even make change. Gadzooks! But wait: there’s more!

In this torrid game of bachelor/bachelorette one upsmanship, women, seeing their men going overboard pre-wedding day, have devised a clever idea of their own: the destination wedding. “You’re from Massachusetts, I’m from Massachusetts, let’s get married in Tahiti!” What the heck!? If you think you’re the only one tying the knot on some secluded beach or tranquil overlook then think again: been there, done that. In truth the only thing unique about your wedding is the bride and groom. And what’s so wrong with actually celebrating that fact without all the embellishment? Call me dated, call me frugal, or call me completely naïve but I thought that was what getting married was all about, not wedding planners, $20 dollar invitations, and showing just how big money you can pretend to be.

And that brings me to my final thought: Is extravagance truly the new protocol in America’s obsession with weddings as the be-all end-all event of our lives? And where and when do we draw the line? I ask you, concerned reader, why do we succumb to thinking that nuptial due diligence requires an engagement ring and a wedding ring, week-long extravaganzas before and after the big day, and party upon party upon party celebrating every ridiculous manufactured stage in the process? I put to you, frazzled wedding-goer, why do we get onboard with destination weddings, gift registries, and God forbid we’re in the wedding party, shelling out big money for matching attire, hair, and spa treatments? I don’t know about you, but after writing this and getting a peek at my check book the thought of getting anymore wedding invitations scares the shit out of me. And that’s a crying shame.

I suspect when the Beatles proclaimed “all you need is love” they certainly didn’t have weddings on the brain. For if they did, I imagine their tune might have turned out quite a bit differently: “all you need is love… and a whole lot of money.” In my estimation, when it comes to weddings, that about says it all.

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Wanna tell Hal to quit raining on your $60,000 wedding parade? Email him: halclarke@undependentmedia.com

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