Clichés That Utterly
Piss Me Off
June 08, 2007
by Hal Clarke
Hal Clarke is our resident irritable
curmudgeon. Today he takes aim at some of the most aggravating
expressions of our time.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m living
on a different planet than the rest of the world. Sure, I breathe
the same air, walk the same earth, and eat the same food (except
that tasteless, overpriced organic crap from Whole Foods)
but often I find myself simply not fitting in. Of course, I put
on my TJMaxx pants one leg at a time just like everyone
else but I suppose it’s not enough sometimes to keep me cool,
calm, and collected in the face of obnoxious ignorance.
Below are several common expressions
I frequently hear that really get under my skin. A combination
of stupidity, ignorance, and lack of creativity are the reasons
these abominations have risen into standard lexicon, but that’s
no reason they need to continue spewing forth from the mouths
of the inane. Hopefully, after reading my rant, you’ll reconsider
using them yourself. If you don’t, I may have to poke out your
eyes with a rusty fork.
“Absolutely!”
What is it with people responding with this awkward word? Are
you even listening? Do you even care? Anytime I hear someone say,
“absolutely” I want to tell the people in conversation to just
get the hell away from each other. This word is an obvious tip
off that no one is listening and it’s time to change the subject
or move on. You’re still a jerk for saying it but come on, find
a better out to the conversation than this poorly used “yes” word.
Better still, just listen and say “yes” you pretentious imbecile!
“Can I get…”
Why does everyone place their food orders beginning with this
rude demand? You’re not getting anything, blockhead, you’re asking
someone else to get it for you. Next time, drop the “get,” add
a “please” and a “have,” and maybe I won’t sock in you in the
jaw you arrogant bastard.
“Snail Mail”
Alright, we get it, sending something through the mail takes more
than 5 seconds to arrive. But what is the need for adding the
word “snail” to the word “mail” other than trying to sound cute,
clever, or witty? You either mail something or you E-mail it.
If it is a tangible thing, such as a t-shirt, you mail it. If
you send it via computer you E-mail it. It’s that simple. Now
lose the “snail,” you parrot, and if you’re really so clever,
apply your genius toward lowering gas prices or something we can
actually appreciate.
“I gave
110% on…”
Last time I checked the most effort a person can give is 100%.
That being fact, why do so many people feel the need to express
a number greater than 100% when describing how much effort they’ve
put into whatever nonsense they’re talking about? You’re not impressing,
anyone, you dullard, spouting a nonsensical percentage. More likely
you’re revealing your stupidity and pissing everyone off in the
process. What makes you so special in the first place that you
have to tell everyone how hard you worked? It’s time to dispense
with the cliché, shut your pie hole, keep your nose to the grindstone,
and continue backstabbing your way to the top just like every
other corporate whore.
“Uber-…”
Unless your name is Otto, Frida, Heidi, or Helmuth what the hell
do you think you’re doing prefixing anything with “uber?” I know,
you think you’re some kind of hip, happening, down with popular
culture cool dude scoring get-some points with those of the opposite
sex with your clever, now, happening lingo. Wrong. You’re merely
an imbecile exposing your foolishness for all to see. My advice:
save the “ubers” for your conversations with your mom when you
tell her how “uber-fantastic” everyone thinks you are while you
cry yourself to sleep you lame son-of-a-bitch.
“In my humble
opinion…”
Talk about a high opinion of one’s self. Any time any person speaks
about their humbleness you know they’re anything but. It’s like
apologizing to a waitress when you ask her to take back your food:
“I hate to ask but could you take my hamburger back and bring
me another one?” Ask or don’t ask, give your opinion or don’t,
but whatever you do, dispense with the cliché because it makes
you look like an even bigger jerk than you probably are, you arrogant
blowhard.
“It’s a
free country.”
The only time you’ll ever hear this doozy is when you know the
person uttering it is a selfish asshole. “It’s a free country”
is the ultimate cliché used to attempt justifying acting like
a jerk. “Yeah, I cut you off, it’s a free country.” Or how about,
“go ahead and light up your cigarette on this crowded bus, it’s
a free country.” People who use this expression deserve a nice,
swift kick to the groin followed by a hot cup of coffee dumped
over their head. And if you’re the one to take action against
these self-serving Neanderthals, don’t worry, “it’s a free country.”
“Can we
touch base?”
This is the most horrid of the many horrible business clichés.
Nothing gets me more riled than when people request to speak with
you later, especially when their “request” is fostered by this
expression. First of all, I’m sitting right here, what do you
want? Second, why do we have to talk about talking? Let’s just
talk! Third, quit using an expression that makes talking seem
as though it is a bizarre and awkward form of human interaction.
“Can we touch base” is the equivalent of humans teaching robots
to have emotions. Know what I mean? Of course you don’t, that’s
how irritating this expression can be; I’m not even making sense
anymore!
“As it were.”
I once had a philosophy teacher use this expression without meaning
more than 30 times in one lecture. She was European so maybe they
do things differently there. No matter, here in America, “as it
were” has no meaning whatsoever and should never be used. Ever.
Plain and simple, if you utter this expression you are a grade-A
idiot, end of story.
“Cheesy”
I realize “cheesy” is a very popular way to categorize things
that are unintentionally goofy, silly, or dated but it still doesn’t
mean I have to like it. In fact, I pretty much hate the word and
think it should never be used. The reason: it mostly serves as
an out for someone admitting they like whatever the “cheesy” thing
in question happens to be. More precisely, the word acts as a
self-imposed barrier between the thing in question and the person
uttering the word. In that way it serves as protection of the
person’s self-aware “coolness” so that others know said speaker
is in on the joke. Complicated, yes, but also self-righteous and
damn annoying. Enjoying something without condition is rare these
days, and if words like “cheesy” continue to flourish it may be
some time before this god awful Age of Irony finally winds to
a close.
“…-ish”
When did having a conversation become a competition where combatants
spar with one another and never get to the point? The “-ish” suffix
is another cop-out excuse for not saying whatever it is you want
to say while you instead dance around speaking anything meaningful
in favor of trying to sound intelligent. If a song sounds similar
to something James Brown might do just say it! Why call it “James
Brownish” other than the fact you are a nit-wit whose trying to
make something sound more intellectual than it really happens
to be. Cut out the hyperbole and start acting like a regular human
instead of some mutant pin-head humanoid.
That’s all I’ve got for now. There’s
surely plenty more. If you can think of any please let me know.
If I’ve offended you, too bad; for all I care you can go suck
an egg you condescending Cro-Magnon.
Hal Clarke enjoys puppy dogs and ice
cream, long walks on the beach, and pissing in other people’s
Cheerios. He can be reached at halclarke@undependentmedia.com.
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