Tired of all the unnecessary airline hassles that the September 11, 2001 travesty has forced us to accept? Sick of the thought that another similar incident could take place in our friendly skies on your flight? Ready to begin traveling virtually worry free? Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the safest measure our government could possibly furnish us in our fight against airline terrorism: nude flights.

The way I see it, nude flights will help airline travelers in two ways: on the ground and in the air. At the airport, screening would be simple and smooth with all items checked as cargo save one or two small carry-ons. With the time saved searching a passenger’s person, each and every carry-on could be individually searched to ensure that no one is carrying dangerous items.

In the air, a lack of clothing will ensure the safety of the passengers by reassuring everyone aboard that everything is as it appears to be. No more fear when a passenger stands up to get something from the overhead compartment and no more worry when a person heads off to the lavatory.

The over-all result of this plan: on the ground, shorter check-in times, and in the air, no more fear of the shoe bomb or on-board box cutters.

The only draw back to a plan of this magnitude: our society’s obsession with modesty. “Spray that person with a can of shame,” seems the conservative rallying call against scantily clad common sense. However, there is a solution perfectly capable of silencing these nay-saying blowhards: stand them on their soapboxes in the buff. As my momma always told me, “a naked conservative is a silent conservative.”

This solution has been staring us in the face for far too long. Now is the time to take action. With a little effort, I am certain we will all happily see that the emperor’s new clothes fit just fine.