Zapped! (1982)

February 21, 2009

DVD, Seattle, WA

1/2 / ****

By Scott Muoio

Zapped! is the 1982 girls lose their tops Scott Baio/Willie Aames vehicle you’ve surely never heard of. And really, it’s best it stays that way.

The plot:

Baio plays Barney, a nerdy high school science obsessive who’d rather play with his lab rats than hit on the hotties roaming the halls of Emerson high. After a freak experimental hiccup, Barney discovers, ingests, and then destroys a magical mixture that gives him the power of telekinesis.

Barney’s best friend and opposite is Aame’s Peyton, the school photographer and requisite horny dude we’ve all come to know and expect from ‘80s teen raunch comedies.

Barney and Peyton’s potential love interests are buttoned up class President Bernadette (Felice Schachter) and stuck up cheerleader Jane (Heather Thomas), respectively, two hotties in the typical nerd/cheerleader mold.

One thing leads to another, dreary sketch “comedy” ensues, and a Carrie-esque prom scene where flesh is finally exposed en masse takes us home.

And that’s about it.

Merely writing “Scott Baio/Willie Aames vehicle” should have been enough to red flag Zapped! from the get go. Unfortunately, something about my Charles in Charge enjoying days led me to believe Zapped! might not be crap. Boy, was I wrong.

The problems with Zapped! are immense. Raunch is implied throughout but delivered in drips and drabs and with such an idiotic hand it makes Porky’s, released a year earlier, look like Shakespeare by comparison. Further, between the endlessly tiresome yacking and coma inducing dream sequences it’s extremely difficult paying attention to the non-stop tangents. Then again, if everything is a tangent what’s the point? Is it all leading up to the fleshy prom scene? Sadly, yes, but those amusing final ten minutes aren’t worth the pain and discomfort you will experience over what feels like the longest movie in history.

In conclusion, Zapped! is pointless and one of the most boring movies you could ever watch. Avoid it at all costs.

Director: Robert J. Rosenthal

Producer: Jeff Apple

Writer: Robert J. Rosenthal, Bruce Rubin

Starring: Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Robert Mandan, Scatman Crothers, Sue Ane Langdon, Roger Bowen

Original Music: John M. Keane, Charles Fox, Tom Keane

Cinematographer: Daniel Pearl