Spider-Man 3 (2007)

February 06, 2009

Netflix Live Stream, Seattle, WA

* 1/2 / ****

By Scott Muoio

Spider-Man 3 is a disastrous mess. Rather than follow in the footsteps of Spider-Man 2, an excellent film that gave its characters life, vitality, and made us care about the consequences of their actions, this second sequel in the Spider-Man franchise turns instead to the laboriously boring Spider-Man for its cues. That means bogging its story down with introductions and set-ups that lead to uninteresting characters that hold no weight whatsoever while reveling in comic book cliche. Worse, Spider-Man 3 goes beyond its predecessor by performing an array of heinous infractions so pathetic it’s like a roll call of sequel don’ts.

Forget relaying the plot of this cinematic potluck casserole, let’s instead have some fun and examine The Sequel Don’t List:

Three serious villains populate the film: Venom, an alien symbiote that turns its host into a powerful and EVIL being, The Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), an escaped convict with the ability to morph his sandy body into a variety of shapes, sizes, and strengths, and The Green Goblin 2 (James Franco), a vengeful old pal of Peter Parker/Spiderman (Tobey Maguire) who flies around on a supped up snowboard and throws pumpkin bombs at his enemy. Superhero movies rely on good villains and unfortunately, all three of these stink.

Spider-Man 3 hypocritically changes facts from previous installments in order to give its new super-villain, The Sandman a direct and meaningful roll in Spider-man’s past.

The movie turns to amnesia (yes, amnesia!) as a plot device. Just when you thought daytime soap operas and World Wrestling Entertainment were the only places to find amnesia as the central plot changing thrust, Spider-Man 3 allows a bump on the head to completely change a character’s demeanor.

The film believes changing a hairstyle alters a character from good to evil and has the audacity to go back and forth on this several times.

The film tries to tell so many stories, introduce so many characters, and tie everything together so emphatically that it actually tells no important stories, spoils the continuity of its predecessors, and bores us to tears in the process.

The series’ heroine, May Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) gets trapped yet again in a precarious damsel in distress situation at the film’s climax. If I have to see Dunst dangling from a building while the rest of the cast slugs it out in front of her one more time I just might spit.

Director Sam Raimi and actor Tobey Maguire turn Spider-Man’s alter ego Peter Parker, a decent everyman just trying to balance life’s everyday struggles with the strains of superherodom into an ingratiating, annoying, and unlikably idiotic character. I mean, come on, how many times is this schlub going to screw up his relationship with the girl of his dreams, lament the fact that everyone in New York City loves his persona, and whine to his grandmother about how inconsequential his life is after the death of his grandfather?

And most absurd of all, who would have thought the most meaningful and serious scene in the entire film would be completely upstaged by the very funny comedy antics of BRUCE CAMPBELL AS A FRENCH WAITER!? Where Spider-Man 2 was capable of inciting a heavy emotional response when it dared, Spider-Man 3 turns those scenes into slapstick because it knows its treading water in a pond well over its head.

The truth with Spider-Man 3 is that much happens but little progresses and even less of it matters. That’s a shame especially considering Spider-Man 2 proved there was more to the series than megabucks at the box office. But alas, when money talks bullshit walks, and this movie is bullshit.

Like the old expression about the tree in the woods making a sound, I wonder, “If Spider-Man 3 exists but no one watches it, can we pretend it doesn’t?” I sure hope so.

Director: Sam Raimi

Producer: Avi Arad, Stan Lee, Laura Ziskin, Grant Curtis

Writer: Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi, Alvin Sargent (from the Stan Lee, Steve Ditko comic)

Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard

Original Music: Christopher Young (Theme by Danny Elfman)

Cinematographer: Bill Pope