Brother from Another Planet

Bloodsport (1988)

Versus TV Broadcast, Seattle, WA

September 19, 2007

(This was not the first time I’ve seen this film.)

*** / ****

The People versus Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport is set to begin. Let’s examine the evidence. Absurd vocal overdubs: check. Completely mismatched transitions: check. Slow motion flashbacks: check. Secret underground competition: check. A cavalcade of outrageously zany characters: check. Glorious training montage: check. Adrenaline pumping fight montage: check. Heart wrenching love theme montage: check. Martial arts mayhem: check. Gratuitous Van Damme in a Speedo: check. A goofy sidekick: double check on that one (Donald Gibb and Kenneth Siu). And of course, the hot chick (Lee Ayers) that falls for our hero thrown in for good measure: checkmate. What we end up with is Bloodsport, a movie so bad it’s terrific, or at the very least, terrifically entertaining.

Bloodsport is what The Ultimate Fighting Championship hoped to be before the censors came down on it, the rules were changed, and it turned into dudes rolling around on a mat with each other because they’re now unable to make it a fight of contrasting styles and arts. Bloodsport, by contrast, is a non-stop machismo fest where anything goes and boy does it ever. In Bloodsport it is as normal to see styles as varied as a fat guy clubbing his opponent with a double axe handle fist as it is to see another roll around on the mat like a monkey bashing his opponent’s head as if it were a coconut. That’s right, in Bloodsport we’ve got a kung fu cast of creeps, weirdoes, heroes, and has-beens, as well one of cinema’s coolest, most easily love to hate bad guys ever, Chong Li (immortal Hong Kong kung fu star Bolo Yeung). In other words, Bloodsport is a Grade A Spike TV movie of the week staple that’ll keep the guys up ‘til midnight and the girls in bed before the first montage gets halfway through.

As for plot, what plot? Character development? What character development? With fight scenes as spectacular as they are this is a rough ‘em up kung fu extravaganza that can afford to dispense with those non-essential ingredients. Who needs ‘em, really, when you’ve got adrenaline, dammit, and enough of it to put Viagra out of business, or something like that.

In sum, movies like Bloodsport surely come along about every fifteen minutes but very few manage to last in a person’s conscience any longer than that. Bloodsport is the rare exception and undoubtedly an all-time chop socky gem. It made Van Damme a star and that’s saying much more than I ever could.