Superman Returns (2006)
DVD, Somerville, MA
February 20, 2007
* / ****
The latest
installment in the Superman franchise takes a novel approach to the super hero
sequel genre. Rather than start all
over as Batman Begins recently attempted or merely carry on warts and
all as we’ve seen many times in various franchises, Superman Returns
faithfully follows the two original movies while ignoring the next two. Where it gets interesting is in adding a
distinct plot point to clear up why Superman has been away from our public
conscience for so many years (both in the movie and in our own movie going
conscience). The reason: he was
traveling to and from his home world to check out the carnage after learning it
was destroyed. So with that addendum
and a bevy of new faces filling all the key roles we are left with the
possibility for a successful semi-reinvention.
Unfortunately, the potential is squandered resulting in a total
wash.
The story this time
picks up with Superman (Brandon Routh) returning to Metropolis after a lengthy
hiatus. After donning his Clark Kent
glasses and getting his old reporter job back at The Daily Planet, he learns
that much has changed while he was away.
In particular, former Superman love interest Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth)
is now married with a son and the recent winner of a Pulitzer Prize for her
story, “Why the World Doesn’t Need Superman;” quite a change after spending one
night of ecstasy with the blue tight wearing mega-hunk years prior.
Beyond the love,
bald Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) is out of jail and rich, rich, rich, rich! Seizing his fortune through inheritance from
a deceased elderly lover, we are immediately reminded of Anna Nicole minus the
big bosom and goofy quips. Now rolling
in the dough Luthor gets bent on destroying North America with magic crystals
he steels from Superman’s arctic Cave of Solitude. The reason: said crystals
will allow him to raise a new continent in the Atlantic Ocean and, like a less
quaffed Donald Trump take the real estate world by storm. Of course it will.
Now all this would
be fine and well and good if it were interesting, funny, exciting or even
fun. But it isn’t. Instead it is slow yet unevenly paced, gives
action that is more mechanical than breathtaking, and forces romance that is
about as romantic as watching frogs lick each other’s warts. Not that Bosworth and Routh aren’t hotties,
but you get the picture.
Superman Returns is a movie that goes through the motions of being a movie. It has a hero. It has a villain. It has
a love story. It has action scenes,
love scenes, drama, surprises, flashbacks, etc. But what Superman Returns lacks is heart. This is a movie as empty and hollow as any
I’ve seen. With a running time well
over two hours it quickly yet painstakingly becomes a gigantic jumble of
miscasting, poor story telling, erratic pacing, and floundered
opportunities. Instead of capturing our
hearts and imagination, Returns flops like a dying fish while boring us
to tears.
The characters
merely plod around a boring Metropolis staring at one another. Sure, Superman stops a plane carrying Lois
from crashing to earth, but with everyone involved lacking any joy or
exhilaration one begins to wonder if any of these characters are having any fun
in any aspect of their lives. If not,
why are we watching a movie about it in the first place? Compare the airplane scene here with the
subway crash in Spiderman 2. A
comparison will illuminate exactly why Superman Returns is a turkey and Spiderman
2 an excellent picture.
And don’t even get
me started on Luthor’s grim-faced lackey, Stanford (Kal Penn who never says a
word!), Lois’ husband Richard (James Marsden who played Cyclops in the X-men
movies, just about the exact same wet blanket husband he plays here, how
funny is that!?), or Lois’ doe-eyed kid, Jason (Tristan Leabu), who may or may
not be more than he at first appears.
SPOILER WARNING. (Come on, we
all know he is Superman’s kid, well, everyone except the characters in this god
awful movie, so enough of the ‘is he or isn’t he’ nonsense. And for that matter, how about having the
kid actually do something with all his powers?
Pushing a piano across the room and then looking on, surprise!, doe-eyed
doesn’t count.) END SPOILER.
Superman Returns is a travesty. I recommend it
to no one. It is nearly as big a
disappointment as Hulk and hardly any better.
We’ve waited 18 years for Superman to return. With any luck, we’ll be waiting another 18 for his next appearance.