Closer (2004)

Closer (2004)

November 30, 2005

HBO Broadcast, Somerville, MA

* / ****

By Scott Muoio

Closer begins with a chance meeting between two people, Alice (Natalie Portman) and Dan (Jude Law). The movie then jumps around in time focusing on the beginning and end of their romantic encounter with one another as well as their relations with a different pair, Anna (Julia Roberts) and Larry (Clive Owen). In the end, all hell breaks loose as the characters’ love lives intersect and both they and us discover that no one is exactly who he or she appears to be. The inevitable conclusion: everyone gets his or her just desserts.

Sound interesting? Well, it could have been if not for one gigantic misstep: the film has a despicably shameful outlook on human nature. Let me explain…

Closer is a very difficult movie to like. High ratings on IMDB.com aside, the problem with the movie is that the characters are loathsome, unrealistic, boring, self-centered, and spout dialogue that sounds more the result of an embittered screenwriter than a creative one. In other words, the characters speak in a way where they seem to think they are intelligent but the viewer knows otherwise, alienating the viewer and breaking the suspension of reality necessary to enjoy the film. Quite simply, the characters in Closer are unrealistic, arrogant pieces of shit who are wholly unentertaining to watch and constantly remind us of no one we would ever see in the real world. Worse, they completely undermine a fascinating initial premise, or rather, the premise I thought the movie would about, defining one’s life through the first and last days of romantic relationships, and turn it into a trash heap of pretension and empty, undefined whims and contrived situations. Even clichés, had writer Patrick Marber and director Mike Nichols chosen to go there, would have done more for this movie than forced dialogue and scenarios that seemed more intent on shocking us than presenting anything ponderously tangible. And that’s a damn shame.

Ironically, the acting from Law, Roberts, and Owen is plenty good; each was intense in everything they did. The words they spew, however, never work. Like asking a lion to speak with a New England accent, some things are just impossible. That’s what happens when pretentious dialogue gets flung this liberally.

Natalie Portman, on the other hand, not only suffers with the words but puts in a completely out of place performance in exactly the same way she did in Star Wars. In both films she seemed a child masquerading as an adult and in neither instance was I impressed with her emotional responses. And when emotion as the result of hidden and exposed truths is the thrust of the film, having 25% of the players on a different planet just doesn’t cut the mustard.

Still, I imagine there are some who enjoy pompous artiness in their motion pictures and will find much to admire in Closer (as its IMDB score shows). I imagine those would be the same people you’d find at the art exhibit where the four main characters finally meet halfway through the film. Now if you watch Closer, and I highly recommend you don’t because it will leave you feeling cheap, dirty, and defiled, when you arrive at the art exhibit scene pause the film immediately after Owen strokes Portman’s face. At that moment ask yourself what would you do if you were one of them in that particular situation? If you answer, “I’d fuck him/her and then tell my significant other all about it in the most vulgar and demeaning fashion while he or she sits idly by,” then by all means keep watching and enjoying this pile of trash. If, on the other hand, you’d rethink your motivations in life rather than basing everything on urge, as I believe any sane person would, then I think you’ll know precisely why this movie is a huge disappointment.

Relationships are never as cut and dry as movies generally portray them. Emotions range from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. It is unfair and unrealistic to portray them as anything else, especially as devoid of love’s many intricacies. Watch closely the first and last scenes of Closer when the characters initially meet and you will find none of the nuances of the beginning and ending stages of relationships. Rather, you will find nothing at all. If that is your opinion on the nature and existence of love then Closer just might be your perfect movie. If it isn’t then leave this horrible film on the shelf where it belongs; an hour and a half of unrealistic male vulgarity and female acceptance of the situation shouldn’t be worthwhile viewing for anyone.

Director: Mike Nichols

Producer: Mike Nichols, Carey Brokaw, John Calley

Writer: Patrick Marber

Music: Suzana Peric

Starring: Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen