National Treasure (2004)

November 12, 2005

DVD, Somerville, MA

* / ****

By Scott Muoio

National Treasure is a movie about puzzles, riddles, and chases set at a furious pace and offering absolutely nothing for a viewer to sink her teeth into. The movie isn’t even mindless entertainment; it is just mindless.

Nicholas Cage stars as Benjamin Franklin Gates, as ridiculous a movie name as I have ever heard. Gates comes from a family of treasure hunters who for generations have attempted to locate a secret treasure hidden by America’s founding fathers through the guise of The Knights Templar and The Free Masons. Together with the requisite tight-ass tight ass, in both senses of the expression (Diane Kruger), a crochety and doubtful yet eventually redeeming father (Jon Voight), and the brainy yet nerdy comedy relief (Justin Bartha), Ben manages to steal the Declaration of Independence, avoid the wrath of the FBI and his vengeful former partner turned evil nemesis (Sean Bean), get the girl and find the treasure. Really, it’s all in a day’s work for Mr. Franklin, even if his fading glory hair-do does get noticeably mussed by the third act.

One big reason this movie stinks to high heaven is because it all seems really fake. From the titular character to Diane Kruger’s silly and out of place accent (yes, I know it is real but it still seemed ridiculous), from the ludicrous chase scenes to the dopey FBI hunt and just about everything in between, National Treasure is baloney. Maybe the Masons have set down clues to the treasure of all-time and perhaps The Knights Templar do have a secret message hidden on our money or on the back of our government documents. However, I somehow doubt said pot of gold at the end of the rainbow will be located in a church basement covered merely by a door that can be kicked out from the crouching position. Fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.

Now if National Treasure is anything like the best selling novel The Da Vinci Code, and I hear it is, then I am pretty pleased with myself for having avoided reading that trendy, brain cell destroying time bomb. Maybe I’m being unfair to The Da Vinci Code and perhaps that book is all it’s cracked up to be, but I am doubtful my malice is misdirected in regard to this particular bomb. Sure, the action in National Treasure is fine, the acting is fine, the cinematography is fine, and even the idea is fine, it’s just that the execution is just plain boring, clichéd, silly, and unfulfilling. While watching National Treasure I swear I could hear the gears grinding behind the scenes as Hollywood presented us with yet another reason to avoid patronizing the theaters, and that’s never a good feeling.

I have recently seen worse than National Treasure (Alien Vs. Predator and The Hulk immediately come to mind), but I don’t know if I’ve seen the potential for a decent movie so squashed as with this effort. Most people, I think, enjoy a good riddle or puzzle and are happy to while away their time on a movie that poses interesting mysteries. Sadly, the biggest problem with National Treasure is that the mystery is never interesting, the puzzles never have any meaning to the viewer, and the riddles are an after thought to stuffing the movie with yet another redundant, fast paced action scene. By the end of National Treasure, I couldn’t care less whether the treasure was found or for that matter what exactly were the contents of said treasure. Instead, I just kept myself busy counting the clichés and wondering just when the leads would kiss. The answer: about 15 minutes before the credits. Now perhaps I shouldn’t have spoiled that particular plot point. Then again, nah, who cares!? Doubtful, anyone.